Greg Oden Is Not A Role Model

Thanks to an ex-lady friend, naked pictures of Portland Trailblazers center, Greg Oden, have surfaced the internet. In a press conference today, the seven-foot tall Oden expressed his emotions in front of an array of phallic microphones.

“I would like to apologize to everybody: Portland, fans, the organization,” said Oden. “It was very embarrassing. It was something that happened over a year and a half ago. I’m very sorry, and I’m definitely embarrassed for my family and everybody around me.”

Oden, who suffered a season-ending knee injury on December 5, has played only 82 games since being drafted number one overall in 2007. After seeing Oden’s press conference, Trailblazers head coach, Nate McMillan had some harsh criticisms for the young center.

“I saw Greg’s pictures, and frankly, I’m not sure what’s more disappointing: His career thus far or his penis thus far. The man’s seven-feet tall and nearly 300 pounds, for Christ’s sake.”

Confused, a female reporter asked coach McMillan to elaborate on his previous statements.

“I’m just saying, between the injuries and the penis, there’s not a lot to like about Greg. Is he a great kid? Yeah, he is. Is he doing anything to help reinforce the two positive stereotypes we have as African Americans? No.”

Again, McMillan was asked to expand on his comments, which seemed to do nothing but confuse this particular group of reporters.

“What I mean by that, is, Greg is a terrible basketball player and has a small dick for a black guy. How are kids supposed to look up to that? The guy averages 1.34 points per penis inch and 1.04 rebound per penis inch and he’s supposed to be the face of our franchise? Kobe and Lebron average three times that.”

When reached for comment, Oden acknowledged his coach’s statistical findings, stating he thought that he had already made it clear he  was embarrassed.

Laraque Dedicates Goal, Haitians Send It Back

In a recent game against the Dallas Stars, Montreal Canadiens’ forward Georges Laraque scored his first goal in 21 months. Laraque celebrated by dedicating the goal to the people of his native Haiti.

“It was a magic moment,” said Laraque. “I dedicate this goal to all the Haitians, to my family members, and to all of those who lost loved ones or who are looking for them.”

Laraque’s act of kindness certainly did not go unnoticed by the Haitian people.

“Seriously? Georges dedicated a goal to us? What the hell are we supposed to do with that?” said survivor, Webster Bennett.

When Webster’s good friend and tent-mate, Maxime Stremy, caught wind of the situation, he was equally—and rightfully— outraged.

“A goal?! How about some fucking food or water, Georges? Maybe even a little money for poorest country in the Western Hemipshere,” quipped Stremy.

And in a move almost as shocking as George Laraque’s dedication, Webster Bennett and Maxime Stremy returned the goal on behalf of the entire country of Haiti.

Thanks to Bennett and Stremy, the Dallas Stars went on to win the game by a final score of 3-2.

You’ve Got (Awkward) Mail, So Does The Rest Of The Company

Sending e-mails is something that many of us do every day, and sometimes even all day. But just because we do it so frequently, doesn’t mean we’re good at it.

Often times, it seems the more e-mails we send in a day, the more likely we are to fall victim to grammar and syntax. We’re so focused on getting our messages out in a hurry, that we don’t take the proper steps to ensure that they’re what we want to send.

Well, that’s what spell check is for. Right?

Sort of.

Spell check works by catching words that are incorrectly spelled and sentences that are incorrectly punctuated. If you want to ensure that your e-mail contains actual words and proper punctuation, spell check is definitely a viable option.

Spell check, however, doesn’t catch intent. If you happen to misspell a word and it ends up as another existing word, spell check has no way of knowing what you meant.  After all, it’s a computer, not a psychic.

Below is an example of what happens when simple keystrokes go wrong. Imagine that this e-mail is sent out to a large number of employees, several of whom are high atop the company.

What’s up gays,

The account setup needs to be completed as soon as possible. Use your Access Key IDs to make valid web service requests and to ensure that this actually works. It was supposed to be done last week, but apparently there were technical difficulties. We cannot afford to screw this up.

My retards,
Jim

Clearly, Jim was relying a bit too heavily on his computer to catch all of his mistakes. While he may have anticipated making a few grammatical errors that his computer would catch, he failed to anticipate being outsmarted by himself.

So, what have we learned?

1) Don’t be like Jim.

2) Avoid using “Guys” or “Regards” in greetings and salutations, just to be safe.

Nick Meets Lamar Odom

I was working out at Gold’s Gym today, when I noticed Lakers forward Lamar Odom doing some lateral rows.  Now, I don’t typically approach celebrities when I see them in public, but Lamar’s been in the news a lot lately. Plus, the gym was fairly empty and no one was hovering around him, so I didn’t feel too bad about bothering him.

Nick: Hey, man. How’s it going?

Lamar: Umm, good. Just finishing up my workout.

Nick: Awesome.

Lamar: Do I know you?

Nick:  Nope. I just wanted to ask what happened last night.

Lamar: I’m not sure what you mean…

Nick: 5 for 15 from the field?

Lamar: What?

Nick: You’re a career 46% shooter.

Lamar: (Looking down at his jersey) You think I’m Lamar Odom?

Nick: (Leaning in) You’re secret’s safe with me.

Lamar: Man, get outta here!

Nick: Why do you want to have a baby with Khloe Kardashian?

Lamar: Nigga, I’m not Lamar Odom!

Nick: You don’t need to yell. Or be racist.

Lamar: If I was Lamar Odom, do you think that I would wear my own jersey to the gym?

Nick: Yeah.

Lamar: I’m going to tell you one more time: I’m not Lamar Odom. And I’m terrible at basketball.

Nick: I know, I watched the game. You guys were lucky to win in overtime.

Lamar: I got this jersey from the clearance rack at Marshalls.

Nick: I’m sure you’ll bounce back tonight.

(Lamar gets up and walks away)

News That Really Wouldn’t Surprise Me

Musician Sting confirmed reports that he’ll be playing every instrument on the upcoming Police tour, stating that  he “really couldn’t be any happier with the direction of the band.”

A woman from Mobile, Alabama claims that her faith in auto-tune was restored after finding an image of T-Pain in her french toast.

Winona Ryder inherits $30 million, is arrested on shoplifting charges moments later.

The long-awaited Michael Jackson autopsy photo was finally released, only to disappoint those who thought Jackson would look worse dead.

After spending $16 million on Mariah Carey’s wedding ring, actor Nick Cannon has signed a deal to host Wild ‘N Out until the end of time.

Dear Gabby: Creeping in Claremont

DEAR GABBY: My girlfriend, Dawn, and I have been together for four years now. I think that we’re pretty happy, but Dawn doesn’t agree. For the last few months, she’s been nagging me about getting married. She complains that it’s taking way too long and that I don’t love her anymore—which isn’t true. I do love her.  But do I love her more than I love money and prostitutes? Absolutely not.  I recently completed an online cost-benefit analysis, and just as I suspected, the financial and sexual toll that marriage would take on my life at this point is not worth any amount of love or happiness. I do plan on getting married eventually, though. But I don’t plan on slowing down or changing anytime soon. Can I still win???—CREEPING IN CLAREMONT

DEAR CREEPING: Yes! You absolutely can still win. But in order for this to work, you need to get married. And soon! Trust me. The sooner you’re married, the sooner you can make the transition back into a life of sexual and financial promiscuity. Why? Because when you’re married, it’s already understood that there’s not going to be much sex or money in the relationship anyway. Your wife will never think that the reason you don’t have either is because you spend it on whores.  And if for some ridiculous reason, she happens to be a scientist and “figures it out,” just deny it. Deny the shit out of it and blame it on the fundamentals of marriage. After that, everything else is cream cheese.

Gabby Tate is a clinical psychologist. She is also the author of such books as Screw Me? Screw You, I Screwed Your Husband! and Lie Until You Die. E-mail Gabby with anything and everything at gabby.tate@column.com

Fallout

Good News: The Balloon Boy incident was just a hoax.

Bad News: Every time a kid goes missing, someone will make a tasteless joke about checking in the attic.

Observations: Music

I always find it funny when someone says they would recognize a song anywhere. Like for some reason, the song becomes indecipherable in certain locations. It’s almost like they’re daring you to stump them.

(Song is heard)

Bro #1: I’d recognize this song anywhere!

Bro #2: Wait. Seriously?

Bro #1: Yup.

Bro #2: What if you heard it at the airport?

Bro#1: I would recognize the shit out of this song at the airport.

Bro#2: Oh wow. Ok. How about in a public bathroom?

Bro#1: Recognize it.

Bro# 2: How about if you heard it in the car?

Bro#1: That’s a layup, bro.

Bro #2: Trick question. It’s someone else’s car.

Bro#1: (Pause) Woah. (Thinking) Yeah, I’d still recognize it.

Bro#2: You’re like a freak or something.

There Once Was A Man From Nepal

Name: Khagendra Thapa Magar

Location: Kathmandu, Nepal

Age: 18

Height: 22 in. (56 cm.)

Sex: Male

Relationship Status: Single

Interested In: Older, taller women

Looking For: Dating, A relationship, Random play

Hobbies: Playing with pebbles, Worshipping Buddha, Hide and seek, Porno tapes, Karate, Dancing

Skills: Microsoft Word, Excel, Mac, Internet and e-mail proficient, World’s Smallest Man

Favorite Quote: “If I had my way, I’d never work. I’d just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I’d dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I’d take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That’s funny to me. Then I’d paint, and read, and play violin. I’d climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don’t got that kinda time.”-Dave Chappelle as Diddy

Fun Fact: Once slept in his father’s sneaker when he was locked out of his room.

Healthcare

I recently lost one of my testicles.

Not to cancer, but because my insurance has a really high co-pay.